I am not happy. Yes, I may put on the demeanor that all is going well. That everything is flowing along just as it should but right now, its not. It hasn't been for quite some time, but lately its just getting worse.
Does this mean I am depressed? In all honesty I do not think I am, but maybe i'm just too blindsided to realise that how I am feeling is really depression. Maybe its something more than that? It would seem that i've turned into that 'horrible mother', you know the one that is always yelling at her kids, the one who has forgotten how to laugh and have fun, the one that is so bogged down by the mundane that its going to take a fucking big digger to get me out that hole.
We aren't going anywhere, we are doing anything different, everything is just the same. But in truth its not the same. How can it be when I am getting crankier and more detached by the second?
My 3rd son, Master P, he has this awesome ability to drop me to my knees making me question why the hell I ever became a mother and why I stay in this house, all with the uttering of three words. Those words?
"I hate you"
Lately he has been saying it so many times a day that its gotten to the point where I know we are at the lowest of lows. Yes, kids pick up on how adults are acting around them, but this time it seems to be more than that.
So this is my public admission. Right now, I am definitely not being the best mother that I possibly could be. I have been trying and fighting for such a long time to be a better mother but at this point, i'm spent. There isn't anything left in the tank anymore to fight with.
Where I go from here, well I'm not entirely sure. All I know is that something has to change around here, and the overwhelmingly obvious is that it needs to be me. Now, to find some more fuel for my tank...