Tuesday, October 11, 2011


I'm currently sitting here, trying to write this post and wondering just how to do it. I've sat in this spot, trying to do the same thing so many times over the last month but nothing wants to come out. So today, maybe its time to own up to myself.

I am not happy. Yes, I may put on the demeanor that all is going well. That everything is flowing along just as it should but right now, its not. It hasn't been for quite some time, but lately its just getting worse.

Does this mean I am depressed? In all honesty I do not think I am, but maybe i'm just too blindsided to realise that how I am feeling is really depression. Maybe its something more than that? It would seem that i've turned into that 'horrible mother', you know the one that is always yelling at her kids, the one who has forgotten how to laugh and have fun, the one that is so bogged down by the mundane that its going to take a fucking big digger to get me out that hole.

We aren't going anywhere, we are doing anything different, everything is just the same. But in truth its not the same. How can it be when I am getting crankier and more detached by the second?

My 3rd son, Master P, he has this awesome ability to drop me to my knees making me question why the hell I ever became a mother and why I stay in this house, all with the uttering of three words. Those words?
"I hate you"

Lately he has been saying it so many times a day that its gotten to the point where I know we are at the lowest of lows. Yes, kids pick up on how adults are acting around them, but this time it seems to be more than that.

So this is my public admission. Right now, I am definitely not being the best mother that I possibly could be. I have been trying and fighting for such a long time to be a better mother but at this point, i'm spent. There isn't anything left in the tank anymore to fight with.

Where I go from here, well I'm not entirely sure. All I know is that something has to change around here, and the overwhelmingly obvious is that it needs to be me. Now, to find some more fuel for my tank...


Mel said...

I'm not being the best mother I can be either. We'll catch up soon IRL and be bloody awesome mumma's together ;)

Swift Jan said...

I truly understand, because I too amhaving similar issues.
A few years ago when I was going through a low place I called a counsellor. It REALLY healped! I am thinking it might be to call her again maybe? But anyway. Parenting is so hard. SO hard.
The detaching thing that you mentioned, I so feel that. I just want to hide from the kids constantly. I feel like their childhood is going to dissapear before my very eyes!!
I hope you are able to get the help you need, because us mums are certainly not super mums. And it's ok to admit we need help from time to time... ((hugs))

Nomadic said...

I have been at the absolute rock bottom of crap parenting, actually crap parenting would have been good compared to what I was doing. I was depressed, but too bloody scared to admit it - because when I did say I needed help there wasn't any around - and that just made me even more depressed.

Support is a huge thing. And acknowledging that you need some is a big deal. Huge fucking deal actually.

Ultimately it's not about being a crap parent though, it's about not being a happy person - because you are so much more than a parent, and before everything else you need to make sure you are happy, everything else will sort out. I know this because I have done it. It's hard work, takes lots of learning to lean on those around you and sometimes shaking people to make them realise you need them - but it is worth it.

Wish I was closer so we could catch up with you - but I will be living on the North Coast of NSW soon and will be stalking you and Mel when you catch up - we can be REAL parents together (not the fake kind who pretend everything is okay). xx