So last night, after I wrote that last post, I decided to get an early night. Before I went to sleep I was able to have a bit of internal reflection time and try to work out in my head what it was that I was really worried about with everything.
Obviously I don't want to be feeling the horrible pain like I did with Master P's caesar, but I also do not want a general anesthetic. To me, that is a far me unbearable thought, missing out on the first few hours of my precious baby's life because i'm knocked out.
The other thing that I so desperately missed out on with Master P's birth is the fact that I never got to hold him straight away. Yes, I know he needed to go to the Special Care Nursery (SCN) but he was also able to breath on his own, so he could have been on my chest for a few minutes before being whisked away. The only baby that i've had to cuddle straight away is Master H, and I can remember every single moment of that time (even when he pee'd on me LOL).
So this has all lead me onto my next train of thought. If I actually give into the fact ahat it is more than likely I will have a caesar, then there are steps I want put in place to help ease the whole situation. Like asking for the baby to be put straight on my chest. Not wrapped up, but on my chest, with a blanket over the two of us. The only other person to hold would be MrB (obviously unless there is some kind of medical necessity that requires the baby to be checked over, i'm not that selfish to not allow that!). If for some reason I am not allowed to have the baby in recovery with me, then he/she is to stay with MrB at all times. And the other thing that I do want, I want the screen down so that I can actually see the baby being pulled out. Yes, can be horrible for some to even consider that, but that is another part of the caesars that are hard for me to get over mentally (yes, I am a mental case aren't I?!). I watched Master H's head crown and every bit of him slither out (I had a mirror) so why can't I see my other babies come out?
Surely that doesn't sound like too much to ask for is it?
I also realise that yes, i'm 14wks pregnant, I have plenty of time to sort all this stuff out. I also realise that to a lot of people I should just suck it all up and get over it all, give in to the fact that i'm having the surgery and do it the way that its done for everyone else. Is it wrong of me to want something different? Am I a bad person for wanting this to be made more special? If I am not allowed to birth my baby in the way that I want, surely its not a bad thing for me to be wanting these things to happen.
If you got this far, well done. Sorry if I sound like i'm a broken record, but mentally this is a big thing for me.