Saturday, November 29, 2008

The Gender Bender

So I was just reading a post on a friend's blog, and it has prompted me to post my own about the same subject (thanks Cass ;) ).

What is it about, well the gender subject. Boys vs. Girls.

Why is it that we cannot be open and honest about our feelings when we are pregnant? Why is it such a taboo subject, that if we do find out the sex of the baby, that will be loved no matter what, and it is not what we had hoped that we cannot actually openly say it without being ridiculed by everyone?

I have three gorgeous little boys. I love them with every ounce of my being, they light up my life and continue to challenge me in both good and not so good ways each and every day. I would NEVER change them for all the tea in China. BUT... to say I was happy that all of them were boys when we found out, no sorry I can't say that.

Master L, yes, we had hoped with everything we had, that he would be a boy. To say we were over the moon at the ultrasound is an understatement. I actually think both Mr B and I had tears of joy when the tech said that it was a blue one. I'd had a dream whilst I was doing the fertility drugs to conceive Master L, and that it would be a boy. He turned out exactly like he was in the dream.

When I was pregnant with Master L, I had this beautiful dream of this gorgeous little boy holding onto this beautiful baby wrapped in a pink blanket. I was told in this dream 'don't worry, she will come along when the time is right'. This little boy in the dream looked like Liam, but he had curls in his hair. I was so certain that our next child would be a girl because the first dream about Master L being a boy was so accurate.

Roll onto the next pregnancy, go for the scan, only to be told that it was another boy. What the hell? How could this be? We were so certain it was a girl. Everything in the pregnancy had been different. I had about 2 hours of feeling sick with Master L, this time I was sick day and night till 20wks!! Mr B and I walked out of that scan, pretty much devastated. We had to wait 45mins for the results to come back so we went for a walk. We had decided that 2 children would be it for us, as Mr B is the eldest of 3, and hated that number and myself being an only child I was NEVER going to have just one. So the decision was made, either 2 or 4, never an odd number. As we walked around, Mr B took my hand and said 'your not going to have someone to do their hair all pretty' and at that moment I broke down in sobs. We both did.

Yes, our baby boy was healthy, and growing well, but he wasn't our girl that we had both so dearly wanted with all our hearts.

When we told people, the first thing most of them said was 'oh well, think of it this way, you will be able to use all the stuff from Master L'. Wow, let's chuck a party everyone! What a crock! I wanted to go and buy all the pretty stuff I didn't care about it being cheaper to have another boy. The other people just automatically said 'oh well, you'll have to have a 3rd now to try for your girl' *sighs*

I did try to be open with some people, that I wasn't blissfullyhappy our *she* was now a he. But once again, was met with the comments of 'you should be grateful that the baby is healthy' or the other pearler, 'be grateful you are pregnant at all'. You know, I WAS grateful that I was pregnant. Hell I know the pain of infertility, and what it can do to you emotionally (not just physically), so please, go knock that line out on someone else thanks.

So anyway, roll onto pregnancy #3. We were still living in hope that our dream would come true, and that we would get our baby girl this time. Names were picked, we had picked the bedding (obviously hadn't bought it yet though!), heck Mr B had even bought a couple of little outfits that were on sale that he 'just couldn't NOT buy'. The baby (affectionately nicknamed 'Teddy' by Master L) had to be a girl, even Master L had decided it was a girl, and he had been right so many times before, so he had to be right this time.

Time comes for ultrasound day. I was excited yet scared stiff at what was about to happen. I'd gone from being certain it was a girl, to just knowing that it was another boy. Apparently I wasn't going to be disappointed with that train of thought, as the tech said 'its a blue one' again. Before he had said it, we had all been happily talking away, having a bit of a laugh, all going great. The room was very silent after the news. It shouldn't be like that. This time, Mr B and I both had a tear again, and decided that this REALLY had to stop. We couldn't keep leaving that place feeling sad, especially when it was meant to be a happy time.

This time I went into my shell. I hated telling people because of the comments. This time it was 'ohh you poor thing, 3 boys, that is so unlucky' or 'gee you are definitely going to have your hands full there' *sighs* I remember telling my closest friend, but having to do it through SMS as I was too scared I was going to sob through the phone to her. I know she would have understood, but still, I just couldn't talk to anyone (even my own family). My heart was broken. Mr B had said no more kids after this, he couldn't put me through the disappointment if we had another boy.

Yes, my beautiful little boy was healthy, growing ok (albeit a bit small for dates) and ended up joining us 6wks early, but he wasn't my little girl. Mr B I think gave into my need to name this little guy a name i'd had picked since I was in college studying childcare. I had this gorgeous little boy in my class who at the age of 4 could sit and read me book after book. I thought he was amazing, and his name was just perfect for him. The funny thing is, i'd be trying to talk Mr B into using the name for at least one of the boys names (they all have 3 names!) but he had been adamently against it. This time, he changed his mind.

So, why am I talking about all this now? Well, whilst we aren't going hell for leather, we are trying for another little person to join our family. And yes, once again, we are very much hoping that we have a little girl. Yes, a little boy would be just as great, but heck we have 3 already isn't it time for a girl?? LOL And yes, I will be honest upfront, if we do have another boy I will be devastated but I do know that in time I will build that bridge and get on with it.

Oh, and one last thing, just to clarify.... we are NOT wanting to have another baby just to try for a girl. No, we would love one more person to join our *little* family. Be it girl or boy, they will be just as loved as the others, and will bring us the same joy, love and bring contentment to our family. This will be our final chance for our girl, 2 or 4 kids remember ;)


Cassandra-ann said...

Oh Mandi, Thankyou so much for posting this, it is such a comfort when you know that someone else has the same thoughts and feelings as you and isnt afraid to tell everyone for of ridicule either.
Thanks too leaving such a lovely supportive comment on my blog, it really does mean the world to me to know that you 'understand' too.
I am hoping like crazy that a little pink bundle decides to join your family soon :-)

Dee said...

I burst into tears when they told me ds3 was a boy. I was convinced otherwise before the ultrasound. I was even looking up Pumpkin Patch Online for "her" coming home outfit the night before my u/s.

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me there's a special place in Heaven for the mother of 4 boys, I'd be a very rich woman by now.

I love my boys with every ounce of my being, but I'm really a girly girl deep down. I will definately miss the hair doing, clothes picking (they always seem to have much nicer girls clothes to boys) and the closeness I think a mother can have with her daughter.

I really don't know where I'm going with this but I'm sure you get my drift..... ;)