Black Hole

I'm blaming the weather right now. Ok, so perhaps its not just the weather but right now i'm in such a black hole that i'm finding it very hard to try and claw my way out.

Life just seems to be passing me by right now and I'm not coping well with that. Everyone seems to be going forward with their lives, but I seem to be stuck. The rut just seems to be getting bigger and bigger all the time. I don't like ruts!

I miss having friends. I miss getting out and about, both with and without the kids. I miss being a part of something more than what we have with the 6 of us. I love my family with every ounce of me, but I feel like they are missing out also and that kills me.

Motivation is a thing of the past, I just can't be bothered doing anything anymore. I'm tired all the time. This isn't what life is meant to be like. This isn't what was in my grand plan when I had kids, to feel like shit all the time, to not have the energy to keep up with them.

This time of year is meant to be fun. Sure i'm looking forward to Christmas morning and seeing the kids faces and joy when they receive their presents, but all I can think about is the fact that other than my parents, we are alone yet again.

Being an only child, being lonely is something that i've always hated. I've worked hard all my life to not be lonely and yet here I sit, just about to turn 32, surrounded by 5 people whom I love so much and yet I just feel so alone. If it wasn't for a select few beautiful people whom I know online, I really don't know what i'd do. If only we lived closer though.

There really is no point to this post. I just need to brain dump in the hopes of seeing the light again. This weather really isn't helping that, so piss off rain. Go somewhere where its actually needed. I don't need you bringing me down further thanks.