Thud.

It would seem that Tuesday's lately have something in common. Today however, well i'm admitting it, i've hit the bottom. I thought last week i'd hit the bottom but nope, today just beat that one.

So i'm here now, i've hit the bottom of that fucking barrel.

My not so gorgeous nearly 21mth old daughter just had the biggest tantrum in her life (and the biggest one i've ever seen out of all of my children) right in the middle of Coles. Apparently its not just their prices that go down there, cause that is where the 'thud' happened. Standing in the line, with Miss A screaming her lungs out, stamping her feet in the trolley. Master P, trying to ask a billion questions, darting in and out between the trolley and myself. And then you have me. The dipshit who was trying to hold it all together whilst clearly not doing a good job because I was crying too.

Can't get much more fucked than that right? Can't say i've had the pleasure of a shopping trip reducing me to tears before but nope, that is my life right now.

This morning I actually got up earlier than usual. Everything was all good to go well before time, then the kids decided that they would turn into demon spawns from hell. Add into the mix the damn washing machine which has decided that it doesn't want to work anymore (don't blame it really, 5 years, 6 family members, fuck I would have given up too... oh hang on.. ).

So today, life fucking rocks. I'm sitting here crying because I don't know how to stop. I should be cleaning because this house is fucking feral, but if I didn't let this out I could quite possibly explode even more.

Someone had better stop this fucked up merry-go-round cause I don't want to play on this one anymore.

Honesty...

I'm currently sitting here, trying to write this post and wondering just how to do it. I've sat in this spot, trying to do the same thing so many times over the last month but nothing wants to come out. So today, maybe its time to own up to myself.

I am not happy. Yes, I may put on the demeanor that all is going well. That everything is flowing along just as it should but right now, its not. It hasn't been for quite some time, but lately its just getting worse.

Does this mean I am depressed? In all honesty I do not think I am, but maybe i'm just too blindsided to realise that how I am feeling is really depression. Maybe its something more than that? It would seem that i've turned into that 'horrible mother', you know the one that is always yelling at her kids, the one who has forgotten how to laugh and have fun, the one that is so bogged down by the mundane that its going to take a fucking big digger to get me out that hole.

We aren't going anywhere, we are doing anything different, everything is just the same. But in truth its not the same. How can it be when I am getting crankier and more detached by the second?

My 3rd son, Master P, he has this awesome ability to drop me to my knees making me question why the hell I ever became a mother and why I stay in this house, all with the uttering of three words. Those words?

"I hate you"

Lately he has been saying it so many times a day that its gotten to the point where I know we are at the lowest of lows. Yes, kids pick up on how adults are acting around them, but this time it seems to be more than that.

So this is my public admission. Right now, I am definitely not being the best mother that I possibly could be. I have been trying and fighting for such a long time to be a better mother but at this point, i'm spent. There isn't anything left in the tank anymore to fight with.

Where I go from here, well I'm not entirely sure. All I know is that something has to change around here, and the overwhelmingly obvious is that it needs to be me. Now, to find some more fuel for my tank...

Wading Through the Shit Pit

Ahhh Spring, I am so glad you have finally arrived. We haven't had the best Winter health wise but also motivation wise. Winter seems to just suck the life out of me and when that happens, the piles of shit just seem to mount up which in turn makes me cranky.

But here we are, its the 1st day of September and i'm ready. I'm ready to start wading my way through the shit pit that is our house and start getting us into better order again. Another one of the reasons why I am doing this is that we got notice that we need to move. We rent this house and the landlord is not going to renew our lease as of February next year. Well, for me, that's it i'm done so its time to start looking NOW. Heck it might take us that long to find somewhere (please Universe, I know we are moving for a reason, but please make it an easy and smooth move!).

So, here's to new beginnings, getting rid of the shit, damn awesome health and a positive outlook that is just oozing out of us.

Do you get bogged down during Winter or is it just me?

Stepping In

Yesterday after dropping the two big boys at school the two little ones and I went to do a bit of grocery shopping before heading out for the day. We decided to check out the new local Aldi which is great for cheap prices, but unfortunately it always takes us forever to get through the checkouts.

Well this time it would seem I was wrong, lined straight up, got through the checkout nice and quick. Great, or so I thought. While I was putting the few things into a bag I noticed outside a young couple yelling at each other, right at the top of the ramp that we needed to walk down to get to our car. Another older lady was about to walk out but came back to where I was as this couple started to get even louder. It appeared that the guy was trying to rip something out of the girl's hand, and using quite a bit of force to do so. I yelled to the guy on the checkout and asked if we should call the police because this guy was getting out of control. He called his manager, who came out and called the police as by this stage they had come into the shop screaming and carrying on at each other.

Had I not have had my children with me, I would have had no problems going and trying to get this couple apart. He clearly wasn't listening to her, (mind you, she wasn't listening to him either!) and they were baiting each other but I really hate seeing people acting like that towards each other.

For me though, my main concern was my children. I couldn't leave the store because it would have meant that they would have been in danger from this couple, who clearly were out of control. My moral dilemma though was that maybe I should have tried to step in and help stop what was going on.

Would you have stepped in, even with your kids right there? At the end of the day, I know I did the right thing for my children, but i'm curious if others would have done more.

Homework Nightmares

Who the hell would have thought it. Homework has become an absolute nightmare in this house. Why am I so shocked you ask? Well mainly for the fact that HE IS IN YEAR ONE!

Kill me now for the love of the Universe, if this is how things are going to be already what is it going to be like as Master L gets older?

In reality, its not that much work, but its the trial of getting him to do it that is killing me and at the same time, making me want to maim his teacher and the system for giving them homework. Not that I don't agree with homework, sure it does have its place but why does it have to haunt me so?

One sheet of spelling words, a maths or english sheet and that is it for the week. Plus then we have a reader every night. Sounds easy right? Well, Master L seems to have taken after his ever loving Dad aka Mr Procrastinator! The words 'ohh i'll just do that part tomorrow' rings through the house every afternoon, usually followed quickly by my words of 'I don't think so Mister!'

So much for trying to instill the 'do it now, get it over and done with' school of thought. It doesn't seem to be working. Guess I should put my 'keep persisiting' undies on, cause goodness knows, we have a loooong road ahead of us yet. Better pass that bottle!

Loud Shirt Day

A few days ago, the ever lovely Mrs Woog from Woogsworld posted this amazing video....

It has really struck a chord with me. Not only do I think Jack is an amazing little man, and seriously, I think everyone should remember his name because that boy is destined to be famous one day. But I think everyone should support hearing causes more.

Master H's best friend has hearing issues. After talking lots with his gorgeous Mumma, it is still something that people see as 'taboo'. Me, heck I think this little guy is awesome and he is teaching my child acceptance and understanding of a subject that some adults could do with a few lessons in too.

So, what can you do to support this cause? Well, go and check out the Loud Shirt Day website. Wear your loudest shirt on October 21st, and give anything you can to support deaf children to receive that awesome gift of hearing.

Wearing Red

We wore red today for Daniel Morcombe.

Help spread the word about child protection. I am forever blessed that I am able to spend quality time with my children, having fun, doing kid things. Thinking of the Morcombe family, and also those other families who have been affected by child abduction.

Remember to support The Daniel Morcombe Foundation and child protection

visit www.danielmorcombe.com.au

Link up with Styling You to help raise the awareness of child protection

Birthday Fun!

I've been trying to blog. Everytime I start, something comes up and I never seem to get finished. Life has been a bit, well boring to tell the truth in the last month mainly because I have been so sick, so the most exciting thing that has been going on was trips to school to drop off and pick up the kids.

Oh yay! Excitement plus.

We did have one exciting day, last weekend. My baby turned 7. Yes, 7! How the heck did that happen? Cannot believe that i've been a Mumma (and yes, a crazy one at at!) for 7 whole years now.

Master L

On the day, we had a quiet one, at his request. We did however spend the afternoon ten pin bowling which was loads of fun. Mr B and I used to do league bowling as a way of getting out of

the house a few years back, but unfortunately it had to go by the wayside as it got too expensive.

So it was great to dust off the gear again and have a couple of games with the kids and Grandad (my Dad).

Birth minute photo - yes, I do that with all my kids!

Happy Birthday to my 'baby'

No matter how old you get, you will always be my baby!